How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

I want to know who in my life is here Because I always please them and who in My life is here because they love me Well we uh put a post out on Instagram Would you call yourself a people pleaser And we asked them to leave a comment Below and describe how that shows up in Their lives Um if they relate to that statement I Love it Stephanie says it sometimes Shows up as being inauthentic with how I Actually feel in order to make everyone Around me feel comfortable and content But it doesn’t do any favors on my Self-worth and inner connection And somebody called Sarah made a very Similar point which I’m going to read Out because I feel like you know we can Answer both of them at the same time Sarah says it stops me from being honest And sharing my true thoughts and Feelings due to the feeling that I will Disappoint people or cause conflict yeah I can relate to both of those almost Part of me is like I don’t want to Create a bad thing for everyone or Create a problem or have someone think Oh no Steve’s upset you know because I Think in a way it’s like I’ll feel bad That I’ve made them feel bad I would Argue Stephen correct me if I’m wrong But I would argue that That’s A it’s I don’t want to upset people

Because I don’t like how it makes me Feel when other people are upset right Right so then there’s like a it’s worth Almost assessing our relationship with Other people being upset and where does It come from why why does it upset me or Why does it distress me when other People are upset is it because And I think the answers to those Questions get really interesting Because once you just follow them to Their logical conclusions I actually Think you arriving much more a much more Empowering place the problem is we don’t Follow them To their logical conclusions in the Right way so if you say I’m afraid someone’s going to be upset With me because they’ll No longer love me Then you can follow that to its logical Conclusion and go well if me disagreeing With someone Means they don’t love me anymore then That relationship isn’t nearly as Valuable as I think it is in the first Place and if it’s not nearly as valuable As I think it is then I I’m oh I’m my Upset is misplaced or we come to the Conclusion that oh no this relationship Is robust and this person can be upset With me And we make up in fact we have they have Been upset with me before and we make up

It or we could follow the logical Conclusion that if they’re upset it’s Because they’re learning a hard truth About themselves but learning a hard Truth about themselves actually is the Thing that’s going to allow them to Improve any time I’ve ever had to learn A hard truth about myself it’s given me A genuine opportunity to grow and Improve but when people around me who Love me deny me a hard truth about Myself because they don’t want to hurt My feelings they’re actually denying me The opportunity to grow so that conflict Actually is a form of kindness in Helping that other person to grow I Think what’s ha what happens though is If we have learned at certain points in Our lives that that being around someone And pointing something out Just does more harm than good if we have Learned that all it does is make our Lives more difficult And that that person doesn’t change And maybe just puts it back on us and Nothing shifts then we begin to think we Don’t have any power in the situation And that anything we do is only going to Make our lives worse not better and I Think when we learn that lesson Around certain key people Then we develop that instinct to either Mold myself to the situation to keep the Peace or just remove myself so that I

Can keep my peace While Not having to stay in the situation Which makes it impossible for me to stay Unruffled I think it’s super important To know where people pleasing comes from For the most part And I was in a session recently with Somebody who really really suffers from The fact that she’s a people pleaser and As a result doesn’t have a lot of Boundaries And doesn’t know how to say no and stand Her ground and You know it was really clear from Speaking with her that It came from it was a behavior learned From childhood that had kept her safe And people pleasing tends to come from Childhood teenage years traumatic events Where we have learned that if we make Sure that we are agreeable And pandering to people around us we Will feel safe and loved and accepted we Can feel resentful of people pleasing But it’s really important to remember That it it is for the most part it tends To be a behavior that’s that’s you know We’ve learned along the way to keep Ourselves safe so trying to unlearn it We have to be a bit compassionate with Ourselves for how difficult that is Because it’s really counter-intuitive to Our survival when we’re trying to do

Something like that I agree I agree I agree I agree I agree I Agree I want everyone to know that I Agree And I think Audrey It’s always important That you know you you always come in With this uh pre to natural beautiful Compassion that is the basis of Self-acceptance and Grace and understanding why we are the Way we are and To not blame ourselves For that It’s really important because if you’re Coming if you’re starting anything from A place of incredible of huge amounts of Blame Then it’s hard to even do the things That would lift you out of that Situation because you’re taking all of Your energy and directing it at Self-hatred and self-loathing instead of Moving forward so the that realization And that compassion for what may have Contributed to you being this way in Life is essential to the self-acceptance That provides the foundation for growth I do however Good way of saying but I do however Feel it’s extremely important That the you know in Jurassic Park Dr Hammond says I don’t blame people for Their mistakes but I do ask that they

Pay for them Now I always found that line really Interesting Because We don’t and shouldn’t have to sit here Constantly blaming ourselves for things It’s not productive But in a sense we we unfortunately we do All have to pay the price For the things that we do for the Behaviors that we have no one can argue That’s not true we all pay the price for The way that we are If you’re a people pleaser regardless of Whether it’s your you were the original One to blame for why you’re a people Pleaser you’re the one who’s paying the Price Through all of the consequences in your Life that you’re experiencing right now You’re not getting promoted you’re not Getting the recognition that you deserve You’re not getting treated the way that You should be in your relationship You’re not getting respect from people People aren’t uh changing around you in Appropriate ways when they do things Wrong they’re not apologizing all of These things are the price that we pay For this behavior that we’ve at some Point adopted So if we’re the ones paying the price We better be the ones to take ownership For changing it

Because no one else Is going to why would anyone else be Motivated to own that problem for us They’re not paying the price for it we Are So we have to own that problem for Ourselves and own that responsibility For changing it And And then the next question obviously is Well how do I how do I do that I’ve been Doing this for so long this is a Hard-wired pattern for me That feels so ingrained and so reflexive That it’s my go-to anytime I mean for For many people in this situation and I Count myself among them is visceral it’s Visceral there’s a feeling that you get When there’s confrontation there’s a uh It creeps into some part of your body It’s very recognizable you know it when You feel it it feels like an involuntary Biological reaction to uh someone Yelling or to something not being quite Right in the room Or sensing that someone’s in need of Something And that’s something that we have to Break the cycle of Consistently for us to start making a New pathway The top the trouble is To make a new pathway like that Requires a kind of leap in the first

Place it requires us to do something Outside of the well-worn groove That we’ve been doing over and over and Over again our whole lives I think that the phrase that keeps Coming up in my mind for this is that You have to at some point decide to live Dangerously And living dangerously is all relative If you’re mad at me And that makes me deeply uncomfortable And I want to Fix it Living Dangerously is me not fixing it That’s living dangerously Living Dangerously is I’m gonna take the risk That this relationship is gonna be okay Without me fixing this Or that I’m gonna be okay even if this Relationship isn’t okay If I’m in a romantic relationship and I’m a people pleaser who’s constantly Trying to do everything from my partner Because I’m worried they won’t love me If I don’t do everything for them and I Don’t make myself indispensable with Acts of service Living Dangerously is risking that You’ll still love me if I don’t do this For you this week Now In logically We may know that they’ll still be there But emotionally we don’t and there’s a

Big difference emotionally we don’t Believe that’s true our trauma tells us That’s not true this person will Disappear Living Dangerously is saying I’m going To take the risk anyway I’m gonna risk that that you not liking Me right now Will continue if I don’t do this thing I’m going to take that leap of faith And to me that requires a it requires a Jump off a ledge that we’re not used to Jumping off of But I have found in my life that these kinds Of of Daredevil experiments Reap really interesting rewards and Often unexpected rewards because when by The way you do this and you get the Unexpected someone stays or God forbid They actually give you more respect or You lose a relationship and suddenly you Feel more peaceful because you lost a Relationship that was robbing you of Your piece anyway It starts to give you reference points And those reference points Start to actually encourage you to do More of that thing it becomes this kind Of you almost start to get excited about It because you go well there’s this Whole other world out there where I Don’t do this And other possibilities occur

And that I’ve found that it becomes an Exciting addiction once you actually get Used to Living Dangerously in that way And when you live dangerously enough in That way it actually starts to become a New form and a higher quality form of Safety you know if you start standing up For yourself and being your true Authentic self you will attract you will Repel and sort of eliminate Relationships in your life that are One-sided and probably a little bit Toxic actually and it’s an overused word But I think that’s fair to say it’s also Just important to to say that you’ll Also be surprised by the relationships That respond well literally what I was Going to say I was going to say you also The moment you do that you become a Magnet for people who actually respect Your true self and respect that that Self and that person who stands up for Themselves and go oh I really like this Person this person’s got a bit of edge To them they’re not going to let me get Away with things because it’s human Nature you know and I think it’s such an Important point to make regardless of How much of a an amazing person you are We are all constantly pushing the Boundaries with everyone in our lives All the time some people are more or Less aware of this but we’re all doing It and

I think that by having strong boundaries Being true to yourself and calling People out or you know when they’re Doing something wrong or speaking up When you’re not happy about something And not people pleasing you do become a Magnet for people who respect that Authenticity and that truth and I know That That’s something that almost feels Counter-intuitive you end up repelling People who just want to walk all over You and have a sort of slave master Relationship and an imbalance in your Relationship whether it be friendship or Romantic And you attract people who are looking For a relationship of equals And I think that’s one of the most Powerful shifts you can make but it is Really difficult so I have a lot of You’re gonna laugh but I do have a lot Of compassion for for it here’s what I Think don’t you want to know Don’t you want to know Which relationships in your life are Founded on mutual respect And a sense of equality of effort Versus the ones that are only using you And only interested in you for as long As you agree with them Don’t You Wanna Know I want to know I want to know who in my life is here

Because I always please them and who in My life is here because they love me Does worth know it takes guts to want to Know that but but I want to know And the more the irony the great irony Is that the more you are the person Who’s willing to find out The more people love you So true because they just want to be Around someone with that kind of Integrity in life and that kind of Courage and that kind of confidence Let me know what you think about this in The comments don’t forget to like Subscribe and hit the notification Bell So you don’t miss the next video I also Want to tell you that from the 11th to The 13th of November I’m running my Virtual Retreat if you’re listening to This video and you’re realizing this is The deepest stuff that I need I hope you Come and join us the link is come check it out And spend three days of immersive Coaching with me and my team I’ll see You over there

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