If she does get to the point of saying Like I'm not turned on That's hard for him to come back from [Music] This listener is Allah and Stephen will You do the honors hi Matt and Co love Your podcast I listened to the episode Why aren't you attracted to him and I Found it very relevant to me especially The part about fixing my brain I am with An amazing guy who is kind generous and Makes me feel special but I am lacking a Sexual spark we have been together for a While now and I'm very torn if it's an Effect of a long-term relationship or if I fell out of love how do you tell the Difference I know it is challenging to Keep the spark alive but the sexual Chemistry is a must for me in the Relationship thank you uh Ella um thank You for your email I you know I was Trying to see if anywhere in your email You had said you started attracted to Him But then lost it and correct me if I'm Wrong anyone but did I feel like she Didn't actually say anywhere that she Was attracted to him in the beginning no But I think it's implied by saying Um That she is torn whether it is an effect Of a long-term relationship or whether She has fallen out of love so she's been With him for a long time and she's
Wondering whether that's why so I do Think I think she had it in the Beginning I think so I think so I think I think it was fine In the beginning but now it's been a While and she's no longer Feeling sexually attracted in that way What do you think about that Then It's really difficult because I'm no Expert on sort of like I don't know how Long her relationship is but how how to Keep the spark alive in a 20-year Marriage or in a really long-term Relationship but I think if people you know with with sex And intimacy I sort of feel like Foreign It's something that has to be nurtured Along the way and it's something that It's quite a sort of delicate ecosystem And it's something that you have to put Effort into all the time and you have to Almost put you know significantly more Effort into it as you go on because in The beginning you have all the dopamine And the hormones basically just making You like making it so effortless and Easy and obviously Um over time they get replaced with Different hormones you just you become More sort of loving and you Nest a Little bit more and I think those kinds Of
Urges aren't as prominent but I think That you You know having regular intimacy like Daily or every couple of days it doesn't Mean you have to have sex every day but I think having daily kind of intimate Contacts and sexual contact of some form Allow for your relationship to continue Down that track and I and sometimes I Think that the reason this is really Common is that Over time you become complacent and you Do it less and less and less and the act Of doing it less means that You really kind of fracture yourself From that person sexually And and then it becomes really difficult To tell the difference so for me reading That and not knowing a ton of Information on it My advice would be That If she's not sure she should find out And maybe the way to find out is to have A conversation with him and explain that Um She would like them to be more intimate And she misses the intimacy and then They can go on a kind of 30-day journey Together where they commit to you know Whether it's three times a week or every Day or whatever they can manage they say They say like we're gonna actually try And proactively be intimate
X amount of times and then see if that Sort of kickstarts it back a little bit And it might be that in the beginning She's not feeling it or it might be that After 15 days she's really not feeling It and then you probably have your Answer But I think that if there is any hope for it To be revived and it isn't that she's Fallen out of love and attraction with Him That could be the thing that revives it I I want to add something to that which Is that You we all have to kind of Learn to be a bit of an expert on what Turns us on And and pay attention to the things that Do and then Drop Giant Honking Clues to your partner about what Those things are on a regular basis and Make sure that they're doing those Things and it's you know we so much of Of Losing the spark to me is we stop Listening We stopped listening to part of it is Proximity and we just get very close and When you're around someone all the time It's just easy to lose the spark isn't It it's easy to go you know to get dull On anything that you're around too much
All the time you can lose that thing That makes it Feel special and mysterious and even Challenging you know I lose that that Element of wanting to grab onto Something if it's always in your lap There's nothing to grab onto So some of it is proximity but it's also We we stop listening to each other You know we we gradually start to you Know when we get into a relationship we Started by going on dates and getting Dressed up for each other and and at a Certain point you stopped doing that and And it's not just you wonder why you're Less attracted to them because they're In their pajamas all the time literally Or you know metaphorically It's also that you are And when we're in our pajamas we don't Feel sexy either You know at the very Act of getting Dressed up and going on a date and Feeling a certain way makes us want to Have sex more And sometimes we stop doing that when we Feel like we can stop trying so there's Part of it that we need to try More and put ourselves in a sexy mood And a sexy mindset part of it is Dropping Clues as to how they can do it More And what they can do if you notice like Oh weirdly these days I kind of am
Attracted to this kind of outfit or to When you do this or there was some weird Thing you did the other day that caught Me off guard and was kind of interesting Follow that and encourage it in the Other person don't expect them to be a Mind reader don't expect them to figure Out three years into a relationship how To newly turn you on learn how to learn What newly turns you on And then find tactful ways To get them doing those things dressing That way do you know encourage those Little behaviors or those those Surprising things they can do Uh and that's a real gift to your Partner and it's tight and what it does Is it takes responsibility For Bringing that sexuality and that spark And that chemistry back into the Relationship and if after some time of Doing that you realize that wow you Really have just become friends Then that's a different story you you Can address what that means and whether That's something that is tenable for you Long term or not but but I would say That take responsibility first For bringing that element back into the Relationship instead of hoping that it Will change on its own And then if it's not working you can Assess the bigger decisions yeah I think
If you're if you're truly wondering if You should end it then it's worth Experimenting quite a bit first like go Ahead and throw some Hail Marys I mean Yeah I think I three three quick pieces of advice one Is workout With with your partner or alone but make Sure he knows that you're working out That's such good advice think about how Important what I'm about to say must be For me to interrupt my own video well Here's why it's important it's going to Change your love life and it's free if You want to know why someone may have Faded out why they may have disappeared Why all of a sudden it felt like the Momentum was lost with this person go to Why he's gone.com where I talk about the Main reasons someone disappears go check It out why he's gone.com and now let's Go back to the video go to the gym Together but like you know do your Separate things but to be seen improving Yourself separately can just be he can Be looking at you from a distance and be Kind of turned on or you're just feeling A little bit better about yourself you Might be a little bit more turned on There's also I think just literally a a Chemical effect that you work out and It's just you know boosts testosterone And it you know it it just the act of Working out itself what it does
Physiologically to us primes us to to be More in that gear 100 if it it might Even out your hormones but it might for Him for a guy who's in a long-term Relationship he might need a boost of Testosterone he takes a boxing boxing Class or something it might help him out And it's funny because we just did a we Just did an episode about porn and we Said that we pretty much said like Probably should could get by with less Porn but if you're gonna throw Hail Mary Why not just like okay introduce a Little bit of porn and see if there's Something there if you guys watch it Together I like that concept of a Certain point Why not be more experimental because What do you have to lose Even if it surprises someone and they're Like well like that that may initially Catch them off guard and it might even Make them a bit defensive but it also Reintroduces a sense of mystery into the Relationship too And that that in itself can be an Aphrodisiac to be like well I feel like I know you a little less today and if You're gonna end up having these Conversations that you're talking about Audrey Um that might be a good way to get into It because instead of just starting with Like let's get intimate and discuss our
Intimacy issues and let's set a schedule To try to have sex once a day or three Times a week or whatever the schedule is That's not very sexy I think if it Starts with like a Hail Mary and that Gets the conversation going like oh that Was kind of like fun and different like Yeah we should we aren't like actually Doing this the same way we used to we I Don't know do you want to like do this Again sometime I don't know I'm just Open to it and then you can begin those Conversations rather than you know Making it a little bit clinical about These decisions I I totally agree Um I also want to Like I think it's important to address How you know if if the sex isn't going Well between two people there's my Friends and I used to call it the sexy Elephant in the room we coined it years Ago because it's like this real thing Where you know if You're not having sex or you're not Enjoying sex or whatever and you're both Kind of aware of it because both both Parties are you know if it's like used To have sex every day and now you do it Once a month like no one's unaware of That it becomes this elephant in a room That no one wants to talk about because It's awkward it's embarrassing you don't Want to hurt feelings and it just
Becomes this really very toxic thing Actually that's unaddressed more than Hurt feelings it it kind of becomes this Complicit Thing like neither of us Are in that mood so like we're both not Mentioning it because it serves us to Not mention it yeah or one person's not In a mood and the other person has been Rejected one too many times to keep Trying and I think that You know It's really important not to let that That's a very Insidious thing in Relationships that happens and I think You're totally right Jay like the Communication needs to be light it can't Be like scheduling daily sex at 6 p.m Meet me there so we can have our 20 Minutes daily sex like obviously that's Not right but I do think opening up Communication if you're in a committed Relationship or you really love the Person instead of making it this kind of Secret Um Like I said the sexy elephant in the Room Opening it up in a way where you are Going I want us to have more sex you Know I really miss we used to have sex All the time and I really missed that Like you know I think we should try this I think we should do that it's as long
As it's coming from a playful Adventurous excited place I think these Conversations are really important Because they're it's important to state That it's not happening because you Almost the moment you communicate it That breaks down and that's a really Good thing So I think that's just I just can Imagine in that situation half of the Problem being that nobody wants to talk About the fact that no one's having sex And then it becomes the bigger problem Of the relationship and then no sex Happens and then it just grows and grows And grows and that's over time it just Becomes irreparable I'd just say maybe Try a couple Hail Marys before that Hail Mary too because so much of You just get in your head about it right And like so much of sex is the best sex You're not really thinking about it you Know and how are you gonna not think About that pink sexy elephant in the Room if I'm just talking about the if I Mention the pink sexy elephant no you Don't say there's a sexy elephant in the Room pink and also would say it's surely It's an unsexier no we used to say we Used to say like come along and like Swing his trunk and be like Well that sounds like a good thing man This is more of a blocking elephant Yeah someone having an affair with the
Elephant no no it's because it's like The elephant is sexy and it's in the Room and it's the thing you're not Having so it's like standing out to you I feel like if an elephant was that sexy You'd want to talk about it I I feel Like that the elephant in the room is Sort of like it's more of an Eeyore that We're like we don't want to talk about This because this is not going well You're missing the point you're missing The voice no but I would just I would Say be a little bit guys egos are so Wrapped up into this if you suddenly Bring up the fact like oh yeah I'm not Satisfied in the bedroom let's now Satisfy me in the bedroom he's gonna be Like oh like in his head he's gonna Not be able to think no I agree but I do Think saying like ah like I remember When we did this like it was so fun I Miss and you know you can be in that Moment you can touch them and you can Almost be very much like you try and Almost stoke the fire and the Flames a Little bit because I think that I guess My point I totally agree with you Jay There's like so many wrong ways to bring It up that will absolutely Hinder and Like damage the whole thing further Um but I do think I'm speaking more in Terms of her question which is very much I'm trying to identify whether the Sexual spark is gone forever and I've
Fallen out of love or whether there's Something I can do about it right and I Sometimes think if she's gotten her head About the fact that she doesn't want to Have sex with him Half of that will be because she hasn't Been able to communicate That to him in any way so throwing hell Marries if she's the one who doesn't Fancy it might actually be Like it's it's it's a good idea and I Think she should do it but I think Almost Kind of getting eliminating the fear and The and all of the kind of the heaviness That she's feeling around it and having A real connected conversation about it That isn't serious and that isn't doing That just more from a kind of looking Back and going like you know that was Really fun I want to do that again I Really miss that I think that's a really That creates intimacy and it's Communication is At the heart of every functioning couple In every Department well I think it's Somewhere between the two right the Communication is super important and and In your case you're saying you could Look backwards and reference things You've enjoyed doing before and you miss It and you want to do it again you could Also look forwards and say here's Something I'd love to try with you or
This is something that's like on my mind As a fantasy with you I'd love to do it What's your fantasy that's all a version Of communication it's just about the Communication that doesn't wreck Someone's ego in the process and and I Think both points are true I do think Though that and I agree with you but I Do think that if she's the one who's Struggling I don't know how he is Feeling but if she's the one who's Struggling to want to do it he needs to Know that to a degree there's obviously He doesn't need to know that it's in his Entirety because that would be really Damaging but it is up to him to have That information so he can fix it too Rather than her constantly being like Let's try this let's try that when she's Not in the mood for it because that's Actually going to be fair the Detrimental it needs to be something Where they work together on it I think Yes I agree but she's got to be so Careful Because if she says if she does get to The point of saying like I'm not some Version of I'm not turned on It's hard for him to come back from Like it's hard for him to suddenly go Into sexy mode Because it feels like such a giant risk At that point because if I if I like Try to go into sexy mode now and it
Doesn't work It's I'm shattered I think I have a Litmus test for this which it just ask Yourself before you make any of these Moves is this gonna be is it going to Add pressure is it going to be a Pressure valve sometimes talking about It can be a pressure valve and let it Out let it out a little bit sometimes it Can add pressure which is like I'm not I'm sorry I'm not I'm not in the mood I Haven't been in the mood for a long time Or you know you could say I feel like it's taken me like like I Have it's taken me longer to get into The sexy mood let's make out a little Bit more or something or whatever Whatever that is that kind of just Relieves the pressure pressure and Sexiness doesn't go well together Like peanut butter and jam it's the yes And of sex isn't it really Like it the the yes and of sex is how do I Create this kind of You know I want that's fine but I'd love To do this too or and I and I'd love to Do this And it would help me if you did this as Well and I'm excited about the idea of Trying this and I miss This thing we used to do What you want if anything this is I Think the the I guess the point I'm
Trying to make to try and make it Practical You want this person to be in a mindset Where they'll take more risks And people take more risks when they're Feeling reassured or when they're Feeling confident when they're feeling Bolder They don't tend to take risks if they Already feel like they're in a losing Position So it's how do I put this person in a Mindset where they're actually willing To take more risks because more risks is What I need from them if they play it Safer if my if what if my words suddenly Make them Retreat and make them play it Even safer than they are now we're Doomed Wait before YouTube sends you down the Rabbit hole of watching raccoon videos Or videos of large crocodiles on Florida Golf courses I have something that will Help your love life more than these Things and it's at why he's gone.com if You want to know why someone faded out Why they were giving you attention and All of a sudden they stopped this guide Shows you go to why he's gone.com and Then enjoy Your baby bear videos
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