The “Great Guy” Who’s Actually a F*%k Boy

We’re going to be dealing with a Listener question a question from the Lovely Maylene who asks us about the Phenomenon of spiritual [ __ ] boys we are going to be talking About people who aren’t quite what they Appear [Music] Before I met my current boyfriend I got A bit stuck in a situationship with a Guy who was doing men’s group therapy Could have really deep conversations About feelings Seemed self-aware and aware of how the Past had affected him Could share emotions and cry with me And yet Was utterly unable to commit and in fact After I cut it off with him I found out He had been seeing other women despite Telling me we were dating exclusively I Think sometimes we fall into the Trap of Seeing a guy that seems emotionally Aware and we see that as honesty Availability and overall attractive Qualities I would go as far as to say That in my experience the guy I was Seeing was probably using all of that Quote wokeness to keep me around in Limbo in a very manipulative but covert Way I believe the term for those guys is Spiritual [ __ ] boys they basically use Their knowledge and experience of

Emotional connection to deepen the bond With women but still have a relationship Or other trauma related excuse to be on The brink of commitment but never fully In particularly nowadays when men are Opening up to spirituality Men’s Work Trauma healing and this information in Lingo is readily available thank you for All your help wow I don’t know why I Just find it so funny I can’t you just Picture him I’m cycling through various Caricatures I’m thinking like Traveling guy who’s lives around a beach And wears a lot of shell necklaces and Beads and braids and stuff I’m thinking That guy I’m thinking dude who leads like yoga Seminars Um yeah and I’m thinking Uh yeah therapy guy who looks like like A gentle masculine you know in touch Emotional guy but he’s also just like You can’t pin me down I don’t want to Define this don’t limit me or he’s like I’ve got all these traumas and that’s His story Stephen would you say that he Normally has the unique pairing of Masculinity and all of these apparently Emotionally vulnerable and available Qualities would you say masculinity ends Up tends to be a key part of the Equation yeah I think in general yes I Think he can look like he embodies a Great unique pairing of being a active

Guy who’s also emotional and like Audrey Said kind of alpha like Audrey says he’s Got a lot of the language which is like Oh this isn’t just like your typical bro In front of video games who’s just like Oh I don’t care about that stuff he’s he Does he’s into all that stuff so he does Know the language of therapy he does Know about he’s read some Eckhart toll He’s read some uh Jack cornfield he Knows how to quote all these people and So yeah he’s kind of also He’s got he’s got all the language as Well don’t bring beautiful wonderful Eckhart into this What a Twist that would be if eckhart’s Work is just producing [ __ ] boys Here’s my thing though his intention I’m Sure we should sleep together tonight Think about it think about what Eckhart Says the power of now not tomorrow not Next week now together we can make a new Earth Here’s my thing though I’m not saying All those guys are frauds or anything Like that I think that there can just be A massive lack of self-awareness in some People like I think some of those Masculine I’m a spiritual bro types kind Of Might believe their own [ __ ] and They do kind of think they’re really Sensitive and in touch but they’re also Their masks may be a massive Self-obsession or a massive ego

Or just insensitivity like they’re They’re really sensitive to their needs And stuff but not when it actually comes To someone else’s they’re not very Sensitive that’s interesting and a red Flag for this is The conversation them getting high on The sound of their own voice Because I think sometimes the grandiose Language and the experience and the Vision and all of this we can get caught Up in it right like oh my God this Person is amazing at communicating but Paying close attention to the fact that Are they actually interested in what You’re saying back to them or is this Just more of a kind of an opportunity For a monologue yeah yeah I haven’t said One word in this conversation and we’ve Been on this day for three hours enough About you let’s talk about me yeah I Think of one of the giveaways I think is When people Spoon feed you their values You know when they talk about You know I just think you know I just Think it’s so important to be kind you Know I just think it’s it’s really so Important to be kind to to people and uh You know I just or they’re just you know I just really value honesty you know I I Think that’s one of the most important Things to me is is honesty in other People and in this place you just don’t

See enough honesty and if you if you Have to say it you have to say I’m a Really genuine person probably not a Really genuine person if you have to say That you value honesty you probably have To you’re probably saying it because you Think it sounds good rather than because You’re living it day to day as your Value think about how important what I’m About to say must be for me to interrupt My own video well here’s why it’s Important it’s going to change your love Life and it’s free if you want to know Why someone may have faded out why they May have disappeared why all of a sudden It felt like the momentum was lost with This person go to why he’s gone.com Where I talk about the main reasons Someone disappears go check it out why He’s gone.com and now let’s go back to The video if I’m looking for signs the Spoon feeding is a really interesting Point Matt I think if anyone’s spoon Feeding you too much that’s where your Skepticism should start to creep in a Little bit yeah why are you why aren’t You just being this why are you talking About don’t tell you don’t need to show Like show me who you are don’t tell me Who you are so you gotta earn it over Time I want I want to make friends and Then I want them to be you know uh four Shots deep before they tell me some Really moving experience they had I

Gotta earn that with that with that Fourth cocktail you can’t just like I Met you four minutes ago why do I know This much about what you really think About the world and that’s really Interesting really interesting because I Think if A man shares a story with you You feel more connected to them even if It’s a first date or second date you go Oh my God they were so vulnerable with Me they shared that trauma they shed This really deep story about their Childhood and what they went through It’s actually probably a little bit of a Red flag so to speak if somebody is over Sharing that way very early on because Why is he feeling so comfortable to Share with you a perfect stranger Something incredibly personal about Yourself have to go who am I I’m not Special to them I’m we’re we’re on a Date we’re on a first date so if this is What they’re doing with me I have to Assume on some level that this is not Uncommon for them that they they get This vulnerable with people and I think The instinct is to feel special and to Feel connected and as a woman you’re you Know we we can be quite nurturing in the Way that we are with you know with Perfect strangers and we can just sort Of go oh I feel really close to this Person I feel like I can I really helped

Them and it was really healing to have This conversation with them Instead of actually looking at it for What it is which is just probably too Much information for date one can I can I give another red flag yeah If you’re being If you’re being slightly vulnerable About something or just being just being Open with someone about Something in your life and I don’t mean The kind of vulnerability this sort of Sickly over the top Vulnerability you’re talking about but Just the if you’re just Open And that person starts giving you advice That is like one of my Immediate red flags Is if you I didn’t ask for advice But based on some information I you’re Using this information that I just gave You As an opportunity to coach me Or lecture me like that is That I find to be really really a bad Sign because it’s That then you know this is all about You getting off on the sound of your own Voice you getting off on what you know You trying to play a role where you’ve Got it more together than me so that Represents a lack of vulnerability in You

It’s it’s all so I I would say that as Almost the kind of CounterPoint to Someone who weaponizes their Vulnerability uh it’s almost someone who Weaponizes your vulnerability if they Jump on it if they pounce on it to take On the coaching role just yeah that’s a That is a good red flag horrible Horrible horrible is the opposite of Connection those those guys in general That she’s speaking about I think are Just the kinds of guys who will very Much speak in a way like they have all The answers they have all of the Understanding of themselves of the Situation of how people are of Everything and instead of kind of trying To assume the role of student they’re Just constantly trying to be the teacher Because they’re high on their own voice It doesn’t matter what someone says to You about who they are or how exciting They appear to be in the beginning or How much they appear To speak the same language as us You have to actually watch what someone Does They can say they’re kind or that they Can keep repeating to you how kind they Are And then you can actually sort of watch Them and go oh I don’t actually see that In the way that they’re treating People In This Very Room

Uh they can keep talking about how Generous they are And yet you haven’t been able to get a Word in in conversation so their Generosity absolutely does not show up In sharing the conversational stage with You when we see these contradictions It’s it’s actually important that we Don’t allow their Charisma and the Flowery language or the way they Communicate which might be very Enjoyable To mask that like this guy can be can Seem massively attractive because he’s Got that masculine something and also That super sensitive A good Great Communicator in touch with His feeling inside And sometimes that can just be genuine Right that could be a genuine attractive Unique pairing but there’s just no Shortcuts in relationships so I think You just have to take your time with it And not be fooled and there’s no by the Way that that’s very true and there’s Also no shortcuts When it comes to building character You don’t get to go to a yoga class and Read a spiritual book And now have great character you might Talk the language you might be wearing Pants from Halo You might you know be carrying your yoga Mat into the coffee shop you might you

Might have all the right trappings or The the kind of trim of someone who Thinks in enlightened ways and use the Language I you know I really want to Honor myself I really want to honor my Truth I really want to just live in Integrity you could say all of these Phrases that become utterly devoid of Meaning in the ways that they’re used it Doesn’t build character character takes Time Character in fact let me rephrase that Because character can only be revealed Over time but building character Is something that is built through Struggle it’s built through suffering It’s built through reaching places in Our life of massive humility of having Gone through something and been you know Had the rug pulled out from underneath Us of losing the things that that we Relied on for our confidence of life not Being the way that we thought it was or Not panning out the way we thought it Would or just going through things that Make us take a step back and go oh Life is tough and and whoa this gives me An insight into how tough it is for Other people and when you realize how Tough it is for other people that Doesn’t make you go let me talk about Myself all the time It makes me go let me let me go and find Out more about other people let me go

And connect with other people Um because it’s one of the you know I’m A big believer in therapy but there’s Nothing worse than someone who does Therapy and comes out and all they ever Do is talk about their therapy because It’s somehow one of the side effects for Some people can be that just everything In life becomes about how you know that They get addicted to their narrative Their story and how interesting it is And why they are the way they are and They forget the other people in the World exist And they can tell a very interesting Story about themselves but it doesn’t Have any of the humility of I’m one in Seven billion and that other people have Stories and let me connect with theirs Yeah and it’s interesting I’ve even seen On dating apps women who have specified Not interested in a guy if he hasn’t Done therapy and I always think that’s An interesting one because it’s like I Understand the intention of what that Person’s saying Is very dogmatic though and also it it Suggests that because you’ve done that You are going you have got a tick and You’ve got the language and you’ve Diagnosed yourself so you’re going to be A superior partner but who’s to say a Who’s to say your therapy has Necessarily helped you and be so you

Know so what like oh I’ve gone to Therapy I’ve been to a spiritual Retreat I’ve done yoga it might be nice if you Have an interest in those things but it Doesn’t actually tell you anything about The qualities of that person well what That person is saying when they say I Want someone who’s been to therapy or I’m not interested in someone who hasn’t Done therapy is is that they really Value self-awareness and a desire to Grow and be a better person right well Yes and I try to do that the two things Don’t necessarily go hand in hand the You can be self-aware But not have a desire to grow or you can Also be self-aware have a desire to grow But ultimately just constantly give in To your worst kind of side there are People who’ve been in debt therapy for Three decades who are not any improved Well you the Improvement takes work and Therapy is one form of work it’s it but But you have to actually be willing to Do the things that make you a better Person and self-awareness alone won’t Make you do those things therapy needs To meet character because character is The ability to do hardship even when you Don’t want to do it even when it’s it’s You know very much a resistant Road and You’re not going to get your favorite Outcome as a result of it but you’re you Are living your value by doing it that

Is what character that’s how it’s built Over time right and so the reason Therapy alone with a lack of character Just as pointless as a pointless Exercise what’s the show we’ve been Watching on Netflix Dharma Dharma yeah What was his name Jeffrey Dahmer yeah I Mean when you watch him in a jail show When you watch him in a jail cell and He’s talking about what he’s done He seems fairly self-aware yeah he even Thinks he’s a monster you feel almost Sorry for him don’t you but he’s yeah Because he’s sort of there’s a Self-awareness to it but it’s not you Know I wouldn’t want to go back to his House for a beer just because he’s Self-aware he’d still you still have Apparently swipe right on that uh on That profile because yeah he’d be like Oh yeah Steve what I find so I think you and I Are probably in agreeance on this but What I find so cringe about that that Therapy signaling on the profile is just That that’s automatically putting Yourself on the pedestal it’s like Unless you’ve gone to therapy and you Can speak my therapy language so that’s I think that’s the the Troublesome Problem there it’s just the signaling Element yeah I’ve got friends who have Never done a session of therapy in their Lives who I think would probably make

Better Partners than some people I know Who do a lot of therapy exactly you know What I mean so it’s kind of like yeah It’s like you can learn all the language You go well these are my bag of issues Though but it’s like well yeah but have Have you worked on them is it is it Working like what what are the issues There’s plenty of people with uh Trainers at the gym that just sit there Talking with their friends they’re not Actually getting a good good work at it I still real thing though if you gave me The option I would prefer You to have had therapy I no no I I Actually agree with that 100 I I think the point is it doesn’t really Tell you something on its own like does Someone reading a cocktail tell you Anything like there are P there are People who’ve read our toll who are 10 Times bigger they have great taste no But there are people there are people Who have read Eckhart Tolle who are 10 Times bigger [ __ ] there are people Who have read the complete works of Marcel proust and they’re very literary But they’re complete [ __ ] it doesn’t Actually tell you anything other than They have done that right but if someone Said to you I’m not interested in doing Therapy ever wouldn’t that be a sort of Like that that would that would scare me More than yeah but like that I feel like

Would give me more of a signal whereas Of course someone going to therapy Doesn’t mean they’re a good person but If someone says I’m not interested in That that would be a little alarming for Me I think also it shows that someone’s Willing to invest in making themselves Happier and better which you’re Obviously going to benefit from now Whether it works or not is a different Story but at least and I’m not saying You should make that your criteria for Dating apps but I do think that I Understand the logic of wanting you know If you’ve actually spent money and time And energy trying to work on aspects of Yourself that hold you back I think That’s a good thing my worry with this Is that this is exactly what that guy That she was dating put on his profile I Guarantee he probably put something like Only only swipe right if you’ve done Therapy you know that’s a language it’s A one it’s a very I think the key word That you keep coming back to Matt is Humility and the person that’s putting That in their profile I think they don’t Have the the right amount of humility About the different Journeys that is a Great way of putting it is thinking that This path is the only path and that’s What people who you know people who Start making yoga their religion that That

Creates this hubris people who make Therapy their religion that that creates That same arrogance it’s is when you Stop respecting the fact that people get There different ways you know the Extreme of it these days is someone who Just swears by psychedelics it’s like The only way to get any form of Truth And Enlightenment the only way to peek Behind the curtain of what’s really Going on in life and what reality really Is is to have shoved some mushrooms in Your mouth now I’ve got no problem with Oh mouth no wonder I didn’t really have The experience yeah you were going up The wrong end yeah yeah yeah as I guess I can’t figure this out yeah no you got They go they go down not up yeah we’ll Get it yeah okay all right so that’s why You’re not enlightened I really did not Do well with that on my profile I’ve been expecting so much more truth From you with all the mushrooms you’ve Been doing And all you’ve been doing is taking sick Days his profile just said mushrooms Don’t really get all the fuss about it You know what’s interesting about what You’re saying though I think is it’s Usually replacing one addiction with Another so right people who are kind of Enlightened and you know have found this Spiritual Awakening that other people don’t have

Access to tend to be people who partied So hard in their 20s and 30s and took All sorts of drugs and did all these Things and then suddenly that didn’t Work anymore they were deeply unhappy And they just found their next thing to Jump onto now it’s not always the case But I think it happens a lot where it’s Just people with very addictive kind of Uh binary personalities and they just Find the next wave the next thing I Think that if I could wrap this up I’d Say find someone who who Find well one of the messages I think From this is find someone who has the Humility as you pointed out Jameson To be curious about Other people’s paths in life and and how They got there and to me the person Who’s genuinely enlightened genuinely Emotionally available Uh genuinely Spiritual for one of a better word Is good at connecting is good at Understanding your journey and being Interested in it and their spirituality Or what their character they’ve built in Their life might be more likely to Build Then announce itself the moment you meet Someone in some spectacular and Charismatic fashion Not least of which because the person Who’s who’s humble and confident doesn’t

Feel the need to Dazzle you the moment They meet you they’re they’re actually Confident enough to let themselves be To build in their attractiveness they Don’t need to to Dazzle you the moment They meet you with how wonderful and Enlightened and clever they are I think A shared spiritual framework is great And if you look for that same religion Same spirituality that’s great but don’t Assume knowledge is character Knowledge of therapy culture knowledge Of the works of Eckhart Tolle yeah That’s knowledge of Christianity or Going to Oxford because there are a lot Of shits there as well Really well said Stephen I agree White before YouTube sends you down the Rabbit hole of watching raccoon videos Or videos of large crocodiles on Florida Golf courses I have something that will Help your love life more than these Things and it’s at why he’s gone.com if You want to know why someone faded out Why they were giving you attention and All of a sudden they stopped this guide Shows you go to why he’s gone.com and Then enjoy Your baby bear videos

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