Don't just build a relationship..build your world..! Is he the first thing on your mind when waking up? WARNING: Reading under the influence of drugs or alcohol may increase likelihood of phoning ex-lovers it will help you tap into your inner secksy goddess
After 40 the most important thing is to be mentally connected it doesn’t matter if we do or don’t like the same thing. if we are mentally connected, we will respect each other, and enjoy what the other likes doing. Everything else will work out eventually including sexual chemistry.
Everyone’s had that situation where you know that there might be issues in the future but you’re enjoying something with someone now and you ask a friend and a friend says to you you say what should i do and a friend says to you well are you having fun could you ask a few key questions to say people always ask is this the right person for me how do i know do i just need to intuitively feel the butterflies or is there something i should think about with this person how many questions do you need to ask steve four according to my article very good i haven’t seen this article steve in a long time so i’m very curious to see whether i still agree with the questions this is going to be good so you think of this one first of all do you feel a unique sexual attraction to this person so i remember reading way back and i think it was like a old steve pavlina article but it was just the fact that look couples get into a lot of trouble if you don’t choose someone who turns you on physically who gives you some feeling of animalistic pull towards them it’s very hard to get that flame going later on so you want to start with some kind of unique sexual chemistry with that person do you feel steve that some people don’t experience the sexual chemistry that they could with another person on a date not because those two people don’t have it but because nerves have gotten in the way because a kind of uh over uptight so feeling of that stuffiness of a first date has got in the way of the kind of loose playful energy that allows sexual chemistry to flourish sure there are environments where you’ll be more sexy there are environments where you’ll feel more sexy and you’ll be your you know more relaxed playful fun self do you feel therefore that if you don’t feel it on a first date it’s too early to judge because nerves could have been getting in the way yeah i think a first date alone isn’t gonna give you all the info which is why if you’re too dismissive i think that works against people i remember tony robbins talking about his wife sage and how they started out as friends and sort of one day she she teased him and perhaps i guess from the story it sounded like she teased him in a way that perhaps she hadn’t teased him before but she like teased him about his perfect hair and his you know like how he was all really well put together and it he he recalls how he was like you know he almost gestures as if like a like come here you know like that response you have when someone teases you and you’re faux frustrated at them but it’s really sexual tension for the first time and that that kind of sexual tension that gets built through teasing and i i suppose i’m i’m bringing that example up because that it is interesting to note that there can be dynamics between two people where there is a friendship and because it’s been sort of stuck in a certain gear oh yeah because of maybe the way the relationship started you don’t actually know what you don’t know about how the two of you could be together until one person decides to throw a bolt of lightning into the interaction and see what happens now there’s no guarantee that when you you hit that you know that moment with a moment of of lightning that that’s going to turn into real tension between you but until one person is brave enough to try it’s actually very difficult to know for sure whether you do have a unique sexual chemistry or not yeah that absolutely happens and i’ve ended up uh you know i had a girlfriend once who we were friends for here we go story time here we go we were friends for like a year before and something changed in the dynamic and we realized we’re attracted to each other so that happens but what i’m saying is if you’ve been literally dating this person beauty and the beast don’t i don’t something there that wasn’t there before oh i thought you were having a go um no yeah you know you know the song yeah i i didn’t capture her and make her live in my castle until she fell in love with me if that’s what you mean but that you are a beast you identify without my chest you didn’t say but i’m not a beast sorry but my point is my point is some people message us saying like i’ve been dating this guy for several months and don’t feel that chemistry with him that’s when you’re in bad territory yeah i think that’s safe to say if you’re actually dating that person and not feeling the chemistry chemistry the flame isn’t gonna suddenly suddenly appear right number two do you find it easy or difficult to get your needs met in a relationship it doesn’t mean you always get your needs met but how difficult is it to get your fundamental needs network whether it’s for intimacy respect emotional connection uh intellectual stimulation you know we all have certain things we consider fundamental needs some things we’re like that’s nice and desirable but it’s not fundamental but your fundamental needs does that only happen once a month or is it something you can get met without a big complication an argument a discussion i think that’s a big determinant of whether you’re with the right person or not that’s a good one i like that especially when they’re your core needs when they’re things that are really really important to you if you’re someone who’s very affectionate and you’re with someone who doesn’t want to hold your hand walking down the street because they just or they they want to sleep on opposite sides of the bed they don’t actually enjoy a cuddle or a spoon in a movie then it that’s that’s going to be hard it’s not going to stop being hard for you right later down the line if it’s one of your core needs is physical touch and it’s not at all important to the person you’re with that is always going to be a point of conflict and resentment and hurt right i agreed so next question is is their lifestyle compatible with yours do you feel okay with how they spend their free time now i think of this as not some judgmental oh i don’t like your hobbies i think of it more as like your actual lifestyle like your time are you with a workaholic are you with someone who really wants to spend a life uh being nomadic and traveling all the time are you with someone who loves getting drunk at night and partying or they want to you know have a bottle of wine every night and socialize all the time or whatever like literally how you your compatibility how your lives fit together in terms of what you like to do and how you like to spend your time i don’t think you need them to be the same but you need to say am i happy with the way they carve out their time does it work for me what do you think let’s say you know that your partner’s really happy when they’re playing golf but you have no interest whatsoever in that activity the very idea of it bores you to death totally fine fine not a problem would you though describe that as a difference in life’s inc in what if they love to play golf every day i think this is where you you decide you what are you does it compromise your needs if they play golf every day if they play golf for three hours every day and you’re at work maybe it affects nothing if it affects hey we never spend any time together on a weekend because you play golf all day and that’s a real problem for me you’ve got a conversation i think it’s whether the lifestyle fits into yours you might love that someone’s ambitious or works really hard but if their work means that you haven’t taken a vacation in five years and they have no interest in it and that’s a big thing you want to spend time you know seeing the world together or doing fun things problem i think the phenomenon of people getting to a certain point in life where they’ve been used to living it a certain way and they lack compromise once they get to a relationship that’s something i’ve i see a lot is if you’ve been single for a long time and doing your own thing then you haven’t been used to meshing your life with somebody else’s for sure and there there’s a lot of potential conflict and compatibility issues that can come up there and really i think one of the things that defines whether you can be compatible or not is your willingness to make changes to certain ways that you spend your time or live your life based on the fact that you now find yourself in a new paradigm one where you are part of a unit with somebody else and if you’ve been used to not being a unit then you can get quite quite uh your ways can be become very set yeah you can become very selfish and you don’t even realize that you don’t even realize that you are selfish before you continue the video is there someone in your life you like but you felt them pulling away what can you do about it to bring the attraction back well i get this question thousands of times a month so on the 26th of january i am doing a deep dive two hour master class on what i’m calling attraction cpr why people pull away and what you can do to bring the attraction back now i’m doing this just for my members but you can become a member by going to askmh.com and you can even have a free trial right now that includes the 26th masterclass so go to askmh.com to find out more or click the link in the description you don’t even realize that you have ways but meeting someone can make you realize like oh this is that i have all these habits i didn’t even realize i have oh i have all of these ways of spending my time i didn’t even realize would affect somebody else and and i think that one of the greatest determinants of whether two people can work together is whether they find themselves malleable enough and they find their lifestyles malleable enough to create space for somebody else or whether there is such rigidity in the way that they want to live their life that there’s not really much space for another person and their ways lack of compatibility can either take the form of we’re very different people and we like to do different things or it can take the form of we have very different ideas about how much we’re willing to adjust in order to accommodate somebody else in our life you know if you think about a great a great parent a great parent is one that has some malleability and can adjust to the fact that there’s now a new person in their life that they’re responsible for and have to take care of and and nurture and and help grow a bad parent is often well i i don’t think this is the only definition of a bad parent by any stretch but one version of a bad parent is one that is unwilling to compromise their life now based on another person having entered it so and i think the same can be true of a of a relationship compatibility for me really is being accommodating it really is being like i’m okay with what this person does and likes doing and i’m not going to be the person who’s like oh i don’t want you i want you to not spend time doing that that’s why you know i don’t want you to do that that’s probably not gonna work it’s probably better if you can accept what they prioritize now which is why you gotta be really careful with what you’re getting into well i think a distinction that you’ve made there or that needs to be made is the just the difference between not wanting to spend your time the same way they want to spend a decent proportion of theirs which i don’t necessarily think is a problem no and not genuinely having genuinely having a problem with the way they spend their time having a real lack of respect for how they spend their time right that’s that to me is you know you don’t have to like that your partner likes golf you just have to if you if you truly think that that says something about them you don’t like if you if you cannot respect that that’s how they like to spend their time then that is revealing of a difference in values not just a difference in the way that you spend your time yes number four do you both want the same things in your future and have the same vision for the next 5 10 15 years now this comes with the caveat that i don’t think everyone has a 10-year plan for their life that isn’t how we tend to think most of us but if the idea of having some shared vision with someone for that period scares the living daylights out of you that’s probably a problem steve i was listening to the sam harris podcast recently and there was an episode about time he was talking with a time management expert or i should actually backtrack on that the guy has an issue with a lot of time management literature i’m not sure he wouldn’t call himself a time management expert but he wrote a book on time called 4000 weeks and he described the difference between being and doing and how when we’re raising kids we we have to enjoy the moment with our kids we can’t just think i’m just raising my five-year-old right now to be a respectable teenager or i’m just raising my 15 year old right now to be a respectable hard-working adult because if you do that you’re always just living in the future of of what they’re going to be you’re never actually enjoying what they are uh you’re not enjoying the being you’re just enjoying the doing for some end or you’re just doing the doing for some end result and and the end result is always a receding horizon because every time you get there there’s some other thing that they need to become after that you’re never living in the moment and when i was listening to this i thought about this on the in the context of relationships and it relates to what you just said because what you’re talking about here is that whilst you can be enjoying someone’s company right now and you can be enjoying the chemistry you have with them right now it’s dangerous to be doing so if you have wildly different ideas about what a well-lived future is because the the the being with someone right now is getting you very very invested you’re spending time and energy with someone and going further and further down a path with someone that of course is denying you the ability to go down that path with somebody else and so there is an opportunity cost and is going to land you in a massive heartbreak later if as it turns out that person meant it when they said i don’t want kids or i don’t want marriage or i want to spend my life traveling from country to country every two months and never want to settle down anywhere and so i you know steve when i listened to that episode i kind of i had this question in my mind which i think i’ve just resolved in listening to you the question in my mind was you know what do you say to people who because we’ve all everyone’s had that situation where you know that there might be issues in the future but you’re enjoying something with someone now and you ask a friend and a friend says to you you say what should i do and a friend says to you well are you having fun are you enjoying it and you say yeah and they go then then do it what’s the big deal stop over analyzing it if you’re having fun and if your heart feels good then just do it now you could say from either a romantic perspective or even interestingly you could say from a mindfulness perspective if you are enjoying it now then don’t obsess over the future be in the moment and enjoy what it is now and a lot of people get into relationships and get their heart very tied up with someone in the short term who may not be great for them in the long term or may have wildly different goals in the long term so does that mean that you should get out of a situation that you’re enjoying right now just because you may not end up in the same place in the future and i think the role that we have to set for ourselves is i have to enjoy what i’m doing in the moment now unless what i’m doing is going to create massive future pain for me in other words if the moment i’m enjoying now is going to be responsible for many many unhappy moments in the future that i can avoid today by not doing this thing now that’s something we have to listen to and and what you’re saying in question number four which is what was the exact wording of it do you both want the same things in your future and see yourself being able to give the same amount to the relationship in five ten fifteen years right what you’re saying is don’t be so busy enjoying the chemistry and the fun and the attraction now that you ignore a massive amount of pain that’s coming that’s gonna be really it’s a it’s an act of what do i want to say it’s a it’s an act of recklessness and ignorance towards a future you if we take the view that we should do things today that are that our future self will benefit from will thank us for one of the things that’s going to be a very cruel thing to do to our future self because every al throughout our lives we go through many different us right many many different use over the course of your life it’s a cruel act to a future you to do something that feels good today that’s going to cause her a ton of pain and ignoring the fact that somebody sees a wildly different future ign than the one that would make you happy ignoring the fact that somebody isn’t willing to give what you are willing to give or isn’t even willing to admit that they want to sign up to all of that it may be something that feels good today but it’s something that’s incredibly cruel to a future you this next video i have for you is really really important click here to watch they want to come in and make you fall in love with them as quickly as possible because that’s where they get their validation and once they feel validated once they feel like ah i did it i made them fall for me look how wonderful i am they can then move on
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