Matthew Hussey: The 3 Secrets to Surviving No Contact

Don't just build a relationship..build your world..! Is he the first thing on your mind when waking up? WARNING: Reading under the influence of drugs or alcohol may increase likelihood of phoning ex-lovers it will help you tap into your inner secksy goddess

How do you survive the no-contact rule? Here are my top 3 secrets! If you feel like you need more support because you have a very specific situation.

Video Transcript

Super exciting happy to be with you guys again um again like always can you guys please let me know if you can hear me um if you can see me all those good things it looks like everything is good on my side but i just want to make sure um and as always please comment in the comment box say hello tell me where you’re from um i would love to see who i have on here today um i’ll give it a couple of minutes just to kind of see um who joins and and all that good stuff i hope everybody’s 2022 is going well so far i know that we are you know still in some crazy times but we do with it what we can brandon thank you for letting me know man i appreciate it uh let’s see hello from the uk uh candace hello barleen hello patu hello from new zealand um from south africa blessing nice to see you saudi arabia regina hello good to see you andy what’s up my man johnson eileen hello again [Music] eileen booker raton i did not realize that you’re in boca raton i am actually in florida quite frequently like every month and a half give or take so from the caribbean from india from greece from arizona the netherlands brazil australia this is amazing hello heidi hello brandon how often do i do these um it really kind of depends uh i i told myself that i was gonna do them four times a month in 2021 and that didn’t necessarily happen so i’ve i’ve made it a resolution for myself to do it four times a month in 2022 so ideally i would like to be doing these once a week eileen do i do in-person coaching um usually everything is virtual um online but obviously if i am in the same city the same town as a client of mine that i’ve been working with for a period of time absolutely i have no problem sitting down grabbing a coffee and and having a coaching session in person i think that’s that’s pretty amazing to be able to do [Music] ana thank you for the compliment okay perfect so let’s jump right into it obviously as you guys know by the title of this live it’s the three secrets to surviving a no contact period so first and foremost if you are currently in a no contact period i completely empathize with you because i know how difficult that can be look obviously if we had the choice we would not be in a no contact period um it’s it’s not always something that we have the ability to control so the first secret to getting through a no contact period is acknowledging that it’s going to be hard and look i know that seems like a very generic answer um but it’s the truth because i think oftentimes we convince ourselves that it’s going to be fine we’re going to do it we’re going to get through it um it’ll be fine 30 days is not that bad 15 60 whatever the case may be right and it’s okay because we’re trying to pump ourselves up but we’re trying to to motivate ourselves to remain in a no contact period or even initiate a no contact period to begin with but we also have to be realistic and sit with ourselves and realize this isn’t going to be easy um it’s it’s it’s that acknowledgement and understanding that there are going to be days where it’s going to really suck there are going to be days where you just want to pick up the phone and reach out to your ex there are going to be days where you want to chuck your phone across the room because you haven’t received a message from them or you haven’t heard from them or they haven’t called you or they haven’t messaged you on social media or whatever the case may be and we we have a tendency of getting ourselves into a really dark space when that happens but sometimes giving the the the name of something that we fear kind of eliminates some of the power that it has so first and foremost understand that it is not going to be easy but what i want to say to you is there is a reason for the breakup there is a reason for why you guys are not together you know whatever the reason may be maybe this is your first breakup maybe this is your second your third your fourth the fifth whatever the case may be but there is something that is just not working and the reality of the situation is for me i always advocate trying to have very productive conversation with your partner when you are in the relationship and if for some reason the relationship ends trying to have a constructive conversation with them as well to try to figure out how to navigate or how to manage um the reasons for the breakup but sometimes it just doesn’t work sometimes you are you are in such a deep dark place emotionally or there have been too many frustrations and and angst and and resentment that has been built up that has built up in the relationship over a period of time that no matter how hard you try it just doesn’t work you just can’t talk so time and space is necessary and really understanding that and really viewing it from that perspective and saying okay there is a reason for why we broke up there is a reason for why we are in a no contact period right now whether it was your choice or it was not your choice what a no contact period does is it forces you into a place of self reflection and as much as it may hurt and as much as it may suck it is incredibly important to understand the root of why we are in a no contact period and look at the end of the day if you if you cannot manage it right if you cannot manage the no contact because you feel like you are just dying inside and you need to be in contact with your ex because that is the only way that you are going to find any semblance of happiness that’s something to think about that that attachment to your ex to your partner that that that co-dependency that’s formed that very anxious way is is something that may have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship in the first place right you lost your sense of self you lost your self identity you you invested a majority of who you are into the relationship and into that other person and somewhere along the way that may have potentially become suffocating somewhere along the way that may have made that individual feel like they no longer had autonomy or have their own independence or the ability to really do the things that they want to do so again the first thing to recognize and realize is that the process is going to suck but it is it’s serving a greater purpose you know we have to also take a look at the long term short term goals are fantastic in that moment but we’re also looking for the long term right because we can give you a one two three four five step this is how it’s going to work right this is how you can get your ex back but what i tell my clients all the time is sure i can give those to you on a silver platter and say follow these steps but what really counts and what really matters is your ability to maintain and sustain the relationship in the long term because what is the point of getting your ex back and achieving that short term goal if you don’t have a vision of the long term because then you’re just you know flying by the seat of your pants and that’s probably what got you into trouble in the first place you know that that level of disconnect that that subconscious way of thinking and not being focused on what is in front of you or at hand um [Music] the second part of this and this is something a little bit more you know logistical and it’s you got to create a schedule for yourself when you are in a no contact period your enemy is down time your enemy is is having multiple hours throughout the day where you just have time to sit anything and look sitting and thinking is inevitable right we are human beings we have a brain we are hard wired to think you can’t avoid it but you can reduce the amount of downtime that you have in your day so that you are not thinking as much and there are differences between healthy distractions and unhealthy distractions and what i am advising or recommending is try to create a schedule for yourself filled with healthy you know activities so whether that be you going on outings hanging out with friends um investing more time in work what are your visions and your goals for 2022 what do you want to achieve for yourself have you really taken stock of your health and your wealth right so health being your physical health do you feel like you are up to par when it comes to that have you achieved your own personal goals when it comes to your nutrition and your physique and all that have you achieved your personal goals when it comes to your your finances and what you want to achieve for yourself and what you would potentially want to achieve when building a family you know these are all things that you can start to think about and start to really focus on during this period physical activity is a huge one um it really helps to boost endorphins and really just that dopamine and really get you feeling good as good as you can for the circumstance so setting new goals for yourself and understanding that that’s going to be hard too you know because you’re not as motivated you’re not you’re not in in top-notch shape let’s put it that way right but you can also prove to yourself that you can still do things for your self you know it’s still it’s still possible so again creating a schedule for yourself and what does that look like you know maybe you sit down with a journaler with a calendar and you say okay i’m gonna plan out every day for the next two weeks and stick to the schedule and if you’re not the type of person that really is good at creating a schedule and sticking to it start with small goals micro goals right tomorrow i’m going to get up and i’m going to go for a walk for an hour fantastic you know friday i’m going to go to this cycling class that i’ve been wanting to go to whatever it is make sure that you are are just setting small goals for yourself and achieving them because at the end of the day getting an ex back also requires confidence a level of self-esteem because all of those things are indicators that you are comfortable with yourself that you know who you are and you have a strong sense of self identity and if you are lacking in that if you are coming from a place of anxiety and fear and guilt and remorse and you’re trying to get an ex back it’s likely to not work because what is going to happen is that you are going to approach the situation from a highly emotional place which means you’re going to make irrational decisions and when you make irrational decisions you mess it up anyways so taking a step back and really taking all these things into account is incredibly important and really building back your confidence is what this time is for um and again there is there is no specific timeline for a no contact right it can be 15 days 30 days 60 days 90 days it really depends i’ve seen i’ve seen the gamut of it right but it’s what feels right to you and the last part of this and this is just kind of like a quick tip right because i would be remiss if i did not mention the fact that we live in an era of technology right we are in the the the well we’re approaching the pinnacle of what technology could be i mean i think at this point it’s infinite the possibilities but a majority of our lives to some capacity is controlled by social media is controlled by technology it’s controlled by the phones that we have in our pockets so if you are a person who is on social media if you are a person who um is still friends with your ex on social media you know maybe this is a very recent breakup or maybe this is something that happened 30 days ago or two months ago and you find yourself checking in on them you find yourself logging into instagram to try to see if they posted a new story or whatever the case may be mute their profile that does not mean that you have to delete them that does not mean that you have to get rid of them i mean maybe you do depending on your circumstance in your situation maybe depending on the level of anxiety that you have and you’re you’re constantly checking your phone every 20 30 minutes to see what they’re doing maybe you do have to delete them from your instagram for the time being but there is the possibility of just muting it so you don’t see the stories pop up so that you’re not tempted to go onto their page and do all of those things because sometimes out of sight is out of mind and it’s going to take a bit right i’m not saying to you that the moment you mute their profile that oh totally forgot about them i’m good it’s going to take a few days but what you’ll come to realize is that the less and less you start to see their stuff pop up on social media the less and less inclined you are to want to go and check so again just to reiterate guys the three things right so the first one is just acknowledging the fact that it’s going to suck there’s no way around it the second thing is obviously creating a schedule for yourself doing things filling your schedule and making sure that you are not allowing yourself to have too much down time and then the last thing is obviously muting their social media trying to avoid any kind of stimulation or avoid any kind of of contact at all that’s the point of a no contact right so trying to eliminate any of those things that are going to tempt you to want to reach out to want to check on this person um that’s pretty much it i mean i know i well it’s not it i know it seems like i’m making it sound incredibly simple obviously depending on your circumstance depending on your situation um it’s going to vary it’s going to be different the severity of the breakup the history of your relationship um how long you’ve already been in a no contact period have you broken a no contact period and had to go back into a no contact period there are so many different variables here which is why i always recommend one-on-one coaching sessions you know it’s it’s we we try to help you with your specific circumstance and what it is that you are going through specifically so that being said if you feel like you need a one-on-one coaching session i’m actually going to um let me put this in here post in the comments uh the link to our website so if you feel like you need more assistance if you feel like you need help i am more than happy to assist you i am more than happy to help you this is what i do i love what i do i love connecting with people um and you know helping people gain new perspective you know that’s that’s what i feel like i flourish with is is communication and helping people gain new perspective so i’m actually going to put the website for both so we actually have our happily committed website right so that’s for individuals that are currently in a relationship in a marriage or whatever the case may be and you’re trying to navigate it and you’re trying to to to fix the relationship right and then we also have our with our x again website um which is for individuals who are no longer in the relationship and trying to get back with your ex so i wanted to provide you guys with both just in case you guys need it um if you guys have any questions whatsoever i’m actually also going to put my email here one sec so you can reach out to me directly if you are confused at all or if you need help booking the session um i obviously also offer alternative packages to what you see online depending on what your circumstances in your situation so if there is you know something that you need help with more specifically i can absolutely help you with that let me put it here one more time and i’m usually pretty good at answering my emails so i get back to people usually within 24 to 48 hours that’s what i strive for um okay so what we will do because usually these lives you know it’s just kind of like the tips and the tricks and then i kind of leave some time at the end of the live for any questions that people may have so what i’m going to do now is i’m going to go through the comments section if you guys have any questions whatsoever i will do my best to answer as many as i possibly can um let’s say for like the next 10 minutes or so um and then we will end the live so let me actually scroll up and see some of the comments here to see if there is or any questions that have been posted here give me a second guys obviously because we are live so if i’m staring blankly at the screen it’s not because i’ve dozed off it’s because i’m reading the comments um deep poetic society should i remain friends with the long distance x or should i text her to let her know that i am interested in reconciliation and nothing more um that really depends right i think it depends on where you are at mentally and emotionally i think that depends on where you are with the acknowledgement of what the current status of your dynamic and your relationship is and what your end goal is right so if you are completely 100 totally fine with just a friendship and you know maybe at the end of the day your hopes and your dreams and your aspirations would be to be in a relationship with this person again but you are totally fine building something new starting as friends then absolutely why not you know i think the fear here usually is is the response from our ex are they going to be receptive will they reciprocate will they engage and my rule of thumb is you are ready to reach out to an ex when you’ve come to a place of emotional neutrality and i’ve said this many many times before and you are that mean that basically means you’re okay with the outcome either way if they respond to you or if they don’t hey look if they do not respond to you and you haven’t been speaking to them for an extended period of time already then nothing changes but if they do respond to you and it’s a positive response bonus you know there is the potential in the opportunity to reconnect and to establish a new relationship and a new dynamic so for me i would say absolutely go for it if you feel like you are emotionally in a place that you can handle that let’s see brittany what do i do if he contacts but is hot and cold so this one is an interesting one and actually one that i see quite often so if if you’re if your ex is contacting you right there’s there’s a multitude of different reasons for why they may be contacting you most of the time what i find is is if they are contacting you it’s because of one of two reasons one because there are still feelings there and there’s still love there and there’s still a a curiosity about what could potentially happen between the two of you and two they’re operating from guilt right there is a level of guilt that the relationship ended whether they ended it whether you ended it whatever the case may be those are usually the two that i find now what you are describing to me is depending on whether you are answering the calls or not is radio silence and radio silence is basically a a modified version of a no contact a no contact is when you are not speaking to your ex at all right so no matter how many times they call they text whatever the case may be you have completely cut yourself off from this individual with the exception of life or death situations or anything that has to do with lifestyle and what i mean by that or livelihood and what i mean by that is obviously god forbid you get a phone call that your ex is sick you’re you’re you’re going to reach out right uh because we are human and there is still a level of love and empathy that we have for that individual and it’s just the right thing to do the other part of it is livelihood so if you guys shared a life together and you have shared bank accounts and all of these types of things and that person needs to pay a rent but they need access to the account of course you’re not going to deprive them from being able to survive those are the only two times that i would recommend breaking a no contact a radio silence is when you are waiting for that person to reach out to you and then you decide whether you want to speak to them or not right so you can they can reach out to you you decide to you know answer the phone sure that’s a radio silence but basically it just means that you are not initiating and you are not contacting them if you find yourself in a situation that your ex is starting to reach out to you it feels like you are progressing and building something new and then they completely pull away and this has happened more than two or three times my recommendation would be to go into a complete and total no contact because that person has to understand that there is a real potential of losing you and right now they’ve been able to establish a dynamic with you where when they are feeling bad when they are feeling guilty or when they have questions they’re able to reach out and you answer and then when they’re fine and they’re good they don’t need to reach out and invest the energy so really it’s just about you what you’re willing to to take and my recommendation would be to just go into a straight no contact um let me see here i’m going to go through again uh so magda why shouldn’t we check social media even if we keep with no contact oftentimes what i have found is that if you are checking their social media it is because you are trying to keep tabs on them and if you are trying to keep tabs on them that means that your focus is in the wrong place you should be focusing on yourself you should be focusing on the things that you need you should be focusing on healing you should be focusing on on becoming a little bit more introspective and reflective and really understanding the reasons for why the relationship ended if you are hyper focused on what they are doing if you are hyper focused on social media it’s really because you’re looking for something you’re looking for something to to hold on to and say oh this is the reason for why we broke up or oh my gosh they’ve moved on what do i do we we convince ourselves that it is helpful that it’s a relief for us when we see that they are not in a relationship with somebody else or that they are not you know living this extremely adventurous extravagant life after us but what we’re really doing is that we’re actually just enabling a bad pattern of behavior for ourselves and we are trying to remove ourselves from doing that so i hope that answers your question uh let’s see [Music] uh well maisie i started an argument with my ex then stepped then stopped talking to him does that hurt my chances of getting back with him um i think it depends on the severity of the argument itself right if there was anything disrespectful that was said um if there was any kind of you know knives that were thrown during the argument not literally i mean figuratively um but truthfully it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve ruined all chances because how we recover also makes a huge difference now if we have fallen into a pattern or a routine where we have these blowout arguments we take space we come back we apologize we change our pattern of behavior for a week and then we go back to the same way of doing things then obviously this is something that your partner is going to pick up on and every time you do that you lose credibility you lose credibility in the relationship because now they are just expecting this to happen time and time and time again and then what ends up happening is that your partner becomes indifferent and when your partner becomes indifferent that means that they have blocked themselves off to a point that they no longer technically empathize or that they really you know care what your situation is because really they’re just looking after number one because they’ve seen this pattern of behavior over and over and over again now this is the first time that you guys have gone into a massive argument and stopped talking no that doesn’t mean that it’s the end but what i would recommend and what i would challenge you to do is to really sit down and think about why the argument got to where it got right why it escalated um what you were angry and upset about and how much of that has to do with your partner and how much of that has to do with you right how much of that has to do with with you being aware of how you process emotion how much does that have to do with you being aware of how you react when you’re feeling a particular way and if at the end of the day you were you’re validated in in in having that argument because maybe your partner was doing something that was less than favorable and you’ve asked them multiple times not to do it then you have to step back and reevaluate what it is you’re getting out of that relationship you know what i would recommend is if you feel like you made a mistake and that you are accountable for the argument and stepping away then really a big part of it is just about calling the elephant out in the room and taking accountability for your actions and making sure that you are congruent with your words and your actions so if you take accountability and then you go back and you say hey look i apologize for doing this i’m going to make these active changes then you stick to those changes because if you don’t stick to your word right if you don’t follow through with action it’s very possible that you may end up in the same place again so to answer your question sorry i know that was really long-winded no i do not think that that hinders your chances of getting back with him it’s just about how you recover let’s see hi what if you are co-parenting i feel bad and guilty okay look this one is a really complex situation um particularly when there are kids involved right because one of the major things that we want to make sure is that we are not affecting the kids negatively and that we are not involved involving the kids in in what you are going through in your relationship the fact of the matter is that in these types of circumstances i don’t always advise no contact maybe radio silence right or maybe there is just a certain level of communication that the two of you guys have in order to co-parent successfully right because there is going to be communication regardless when it comes to the kids whether you know the kid has a doctor’s appointment or there is a parent-teacher conference or or whatever the case may be right so in your circumstance in particular what i would say to you is communication is key in this in this circumstance so i would sit down with your ex with your partner whatever the case may be and say hey look we have to have very clear communication about what this looks like obviously i know that we are needing time and space however this is what it should look like right so we do not speak to each other we do not talk to each other unless it has something to do with the kids and unless it has something to do with you know trading days or whatever the case may be but it is very important for you to establish clear boundaries and very specific um [Music] ground rules technically to how the two of you will be conversing so what i will say to you is that when kids are involved i don’t usually recommend a no contact unless it was an incredibly toxic situation all right guys so i actually have time for one more question i’m going to go through here let’s see who’s going to [Music] there’s so many questions out here let’s see uh so what if my ex so carla what if my ex said there is no turning back from the breakup and has blocked me from everything okay so i know how difficult this could be and look the reality of the situation is is that we have to respect what our partner or what our ex is asking of us so if they are telling you hey look there’s no going back from this and they block you when they do all of those things then you just have to let it go for the time being you just have to allow um that person to to heal and sometimes it’s just about letting the dust settle and as difficult as that may be as hard as it may be to let that happen because we have all this anxiety and we have all these things that we we want to make up for we want to tell them we’re sorry and we want to just try to you know convince them that we are the right choice for them sometimes doing that actually results in us pushing them further and further and further away so respecting that person’s wishes respecting their boundaries that sometimes speaks volumes compared to trying to you know play out our own personal selfish desires in a sense so you know i empathize with you i know how difficult that may be but sometimes the answer is just leaving it be for the for for this period of time so you know i would consider going into you know and just let it let let things settle a little bit and then you can possibly try to reach out again and see if if there is the potential or the opportunity to talk you know i’ve seen many circumstances in which you people have been blocked from social media and then a month or two later they’re unblocked so you know it’s not about assuming the worst and thinking catastrophically it’s just about taking account of your moment of the present moment and what needs to be done now which is give that person time and space all right guys so one more time i’m going to put my email in here so if you guys have any questions you guys can reach out to me directly like i said i offer different coaching packages if it’s something that you feel like you need um obviously if you guys are watching our youtubes we’re uploading videos all the time on there um let me take a look here we go all right so i have put my email there for you guys again it’s a pleasure seeing you guys again i will be here next week again be on the lookout for the email telling you what that topic is going to be and usually how i do um i i leave some time towards the end of the live to answer some questions what i am thinking about doing is probably once a month i will hold like a a round table discussion or i’ll just or or just be kind of like a just like this where i’ll basically just come on here and just answer questions that’s all i’ll do so it’s not going to be a specific topic it’s just going to be you know ask danny whatever it is that you need to ask him i know i’m referring to myself in the third person which is a little bit weird but just go with it ask me any questions that you may have and then i will answer them if this is something that you guys would like to see um please leave a comment here and let me know if that’s something that you would like leave comments on our youtube on our facebook whatever the case may be if we gain traction on that if i see that people really want that i would more then i’m more than willing to do that um let me take a look at here all right guys so it was a pleasure seeing you guys again um and i will see you guys next week again you know i do my best to answer all these questions i actually saw one thing here where it says leonard i promise you leonard i did not ignore you now that i’m seeing this come up it’s just there are tons and tons of questions that come up my suggestion to you my man is come to the next live next week and if i see you on here i promise you i will answer your question look i know that we are all in a place there’s look if you’re coming to this live it’s because you’re in a place of of of needing help and needing questions answered but i can’t answer every single question but i promise you my man you also have my email so if you if you need that answer that question answered like right away you have my email man shoot me an email and i’m more than happy to have a discussion with you that way as well so that you don’t feel like you didn’t get your question answered all right guys it was good to see you and i will see you guys later

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