Will Checking Your Partner’s Phone Ruin Your Relationship?

If a healthy person doesn't trust Someone they don't say give me access to Everything Give me all of your logins they say I'm Having real issues here going into this Relationship because I don't trust you [Music] What is our special question of the day That that we're going to answer well Christina sent something in which I Where did she send that Audrey she sent It a podcast at matthewhussey.com and This is our segment called q and Audrey Yeah everyone if you could pitch in and Let us know what you think we should Call this little segment where Audrey Reads a question from the audience uh The front runner right now is q and Audrey Um yes let's see if we can come up with Different options it's not bad though q And Audrey Christina Wrote in and said hi I really like this Guy and we've dated off and on for about A year but I wasn't ready for a Relationship at first since I had just Got out of a three-year relationship and Wanted some time to myself I'm now ready to date this guy and he Has some trust issues with me and what We've been through previously for Example my ex calling and liking my Pictures on Instagram He wanted to look through my phone

Recently and I said no he said in order To trust me he would need my login info For my Instagram and Gmail in order to Trust me again I feel like this is an invasion of Privacy and a control tactic am I in the Wrong or is he This is giving me doubts on if I really Want to be in a relationship with him Now Thanks for your help so did she they Dated three years ago And she decided not to or no she had Just got out of a three-year Relationship so she doesn't say when They dated but presumably she came out Of this relationship was dating him for A bit but wasn't ready to commit to him And to commit to a relationship She's now had some time to herself Come back towards him they've come back Into each other's lives and he is saying To her I have trust issues I don't trust You because while we were dating last Time your ex was calling you and he was Liking your pictures on Instagram Um so I would like to log into your Instagram and your Gmail in order to Build up the trust again I have a lot of Thoughts on this but I love your Thoughts I mean like my my Top Line Thoughts are that Foreign You should address the issues from the

Time So what was it if you took your moral Compass and said what have I done I I believe is I was either wrong or Hurtful It's worth exploring that and then Addressing those things It for example if she feels like I am a Little in the wrong because I kind of Led him on and I didn't actually tell Him that I wasn't ready for a Relationship and I kind of let him get More and more invested all the while I Was still talking to my ex and having Some kind of flirtations there and Ultimately and ultimately I ended up Hurting the new guy because I wasn't Ready for anything and I didn't really Let him know that early on Then that's the conversation you address You say you come you sort of come clean On that stuff and you say look here's The reality I came out of a relationship And I wasn't ready for something but I Acted poorly with you I was selfish in The way that I approached our situation Because rather than admitting up front I Wasn't ready for more I let things Progress to a level that then hurt you Um I wasn't In love with my ex or you know I wasn't Trying to be back with my ex but I also Wasn't in a place where I was able to

Fully commit to somebody and I'm sorry That at the time I wasn't more honest With you about that think about how Important what I'm about to say must be For me to interrupt my own video well Here's why it's important it's going to Change your love life and it's free if You want to know why someone may have Faded out why they may have disappeared Why all of a sudden it felt like the Momentum was lost with this person go to Why he's gone.com where I talk about the Main reasons someone disappears go check It out why he's gone.com and now let's Go back to the video that being said I've had time to think about what I want I really find myself now in a place Where I can give to a relationship and You're the person I'd like to give that A try with because I really like you and I did in the beginning which is why I Wanted to get to know you in the first Place albeit a time when I wasn't ready However If we're going to start from a place of Trust that has to cut both ways And my you trusting me Has to also come with me being able to Trust that you respect Healthy boundaries and that you respect My privacy And you asking for the login To my social media and to my whatever it Was her emails or phone or whatever is

Is Um it's not acceptable to me I would I wouldn't want to have that kind of Relationship with anybody and I Certainly wouldn't ask the same of you If I was going into a relationship with You where I felt there were trust issues I wouldn't be asking for the logins I'd be asking myself Do I really trust who this person is as A human do I trust their character Um and do I see them do I see my it Being worth giving them a shot I Wouldn't say I wouldn't make it Conditional on whether I had the logins To their devices And I ask the same of you now I'm Telling you the truth about the past I've come clean About where I was at the time and I'm Also being honest with you about where I Am now If that's not enough for you That's a real shame because I think we Could be great and I think that we could Have something really special But I also understand But this is a this is a line for me That's being crossed and and I I don't Want to start on the footing of me Feeling like my privacy has been invaded Yeah I I couldn't agree more I also Think ultimately if you choose to get

Back together with someone That's not to say if somebody has hurt You in the past you can of course you're Going to have to work through certain Things but if you choose to get back With someone you should choose to trust Them again and trusting them doesn't Mean having access To their email their social media it Means you trust them in spite of the Fact that you have no proof that they're Not doing anything that's what trust is It's if I have to if I have to check Your phone every time in order to trust You then you don't That I don't trust you and if you choose To get back with someone You have to come at it from a place Where you are going I trust you enough to see Whether or not this is going to go Somewhere and whether or not You're going to be good for me Um and I think if you can't do that that Means that the relationship the trust is Broken is too far gone which can happen And that's a real shame but it's also It's the part where you're saying which It is a shame but it's that does happen Sometimes for people but you have to be Self-aware enough to know that if the Security you need is to be able to Constantly check people's emails and Social media and messages in order to

Feel safe then there's something wrong With the relationship well and there's Something I would argue there's Something you have to really look at in Yourself because if if a healthy person Doesn't trust someone they don't say Give me access to everything Give me all of your logins they say I'm Having real issues here Going into this relationship because I Don't trust you And I'm that's maybe that's partly my Fault because I'm overthinking things or I'm letting my demons get carried away But Until I can address those for myself Then going further isn't going to work For me you don't respond to it by saying Give me your logins yeah or let's work Together to You know let's invest in trying to make Me trust you because I recognize that This could be my thing but it's also you Know been instigated by something you've Done so let's work together to to get to A place where we you know we have that Trust and we rebuild together as a team But in a healthy way rather than from a Foundation of checking yeah what I would Say to her is Make sure you feel You have had a really open clear Conversation with him About the areas where you feel you fell

Short And what you wish you had done Differently And say it plainly and directly Because that's what gives credibility to Your words today What you don't want it's easy when Someone doesn't trust you To get into a very Um This pattern of What becomes really noisy communication Of I didn't even do this and you're Making a thing out of this and it wasn't Even a thing and this and that and you Know I like there's a kind of like or an Over justification is the opposite of That where it's like I'm so sorry and I Didn't mean to do this I didn't mean to Do that no instead there has to be a Point at which you say This is what happened This is why it happened that way And there isn't anything more that I can Say about that factually because that's It That's what it that's that's the Situation Uh allowing him to dictate the paradigm Of chopping it up a thousand different Ways Which by the way asking for your logins Is just another version of that is I Want to just look in your stuff to just

Chop it up even more ways Well that's That's you buying into their paradigm Does you allowing them to dictate the Rhythm of the communication What I want Christina to have is the Closure that she communicated clearly And openly and directly And then said that's all there is to say And I'm ready to move on And if you're not that's okay But I can't unless you want to unless you Want to just work together to build Trust going forward there's no more I Can say about that Because I've explained to you everything But I would argue she's allowed to Revisit it sorry he would be allowed to Revisit it with her if he feels insecure Moments or triggered a moments I think It's not so much about going You know here's all I have to say about It now let's move on it's about not Indulging the worst sides of him and his Jealousy because ultimately if you Indulge that side of him yes yes I agree With that I agree with that but There's a tone and a manner of Communication that someone who is trying To Um Find more than there is or trying to you Know if they're coming from their demons

And if they're coming from their own Trauma and their fears then they will Try to Stoke the fires of that conversation To create more And you have to kind of be the the water That's constantly putting that out not By shutting things down and saying I'm Never talking about this again but if Someone if someone's getting an agitated Tone and saying but what about this and When you did that and when you know it's Like Back then I was in this situation I was Feeling this and I'm not proud of that I'm not proud of being unclear or I'm Not proud of not being straight about my Intentions or whatever but but that's That's the whole story And I if if there's healing to be done Amongst between us that's okay I'm all For that but there isn't any more story To to tell That's the part where you have to be you Don't let someone drag you into slicing And dicing the situation in more ways Than the situation actually deserves Because then you are you're allowing Their trauma you're allowing their Demons to set the tone For the conversation You can you can communicate with them And help them heal but what you can't do Is get dragged into matching their tone

And their manner of communication I would say Christina listen back to what Matt said In his in your answer like you could Transcribe that and it's just perfectly Written but also Matt's tone was just Just right too as far as being the the Water on that flame and don't yeah don't Go don't be invited to the demon dinner Have your own have your own set set the Table yourself and uh let that be the Narrative Why before YouTube sends you down the Rabbit hole of watching raccoon videos Or videos of large crocodiles on Florida Golf courses I have something that will Help your love life more than these Things and it's at why he's gone.com if You want to know why someone faded out Why they were giving you attention and All of a sudden they stopped this guide Shows you go to why he's gone.com and Then enjoy Your baby bear videos

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About the Author: Jodie Smith